Facebook Fetuses!
Something has been bothering me recently, and as i haven’t done any form of blog in forever I’m gonna unload with all the force of Peter North on the face of a barely legal slut in a naughty movie about being sexy in a barn (not that I’ve seen one).
Recently I’ve become bored with Facebook. Well, bored and slightly perturbed by it in all honesty. It seems in theory a good idea, a massive network of all your mates (and the occasional dick who you once tread the same boards with in school for 5 years) in one place, sharing, joking, keeping in touch, yadda yadda yadda… All good shit. Yeah? WRONG! It’s become less a medium for smiley happy friends and more and more like a soul destroying reality check.
“Jimmy Shitfiend has changed his relationship status from Engaged to Married“
“Barbara Cockend likes ‘Texting In Bed’ and 47 other pages”
“Brendan Fudgeorama-Dinglegoose has sent you Poker Chips”
I’ve recently discovered that in amongst the 500+ mates i have on Facebook, I only really find about 100 of them funny, articulate, decent and abnormal. Abnormal? YES! that’s the big problem. EVERYONE IS SO FUCKING DULL! I DON’T WANT NORMALITY! IT BLOWS! I WANT STUPID PEOPLE SAYING DUMB SHIT FOR MY ENTERTAINMENT!
As people grow up it’s obvious they grow old as well. I barely see a status anymore that reads like a passage from some fucked up screenplay about the life of George Best (“woke up this morning with a cowboy hat on and a bed sheet worn as a cape… Last night was a fucking victory of the senses!”). Instead I get Facebook mums who USED to do this shit, but now find their banality as a Unique Selling point…
“my little prince said his first word today! it was mummy! so proud xxx”
“my babies are my life… cut and paste if you agree”
“just making tea and then settling down to watch X-Factor, the kids are asleep, LOL!”
URRRGH!! You let that blert no-one liked in the first place spuff up yer chuff, and now you have a living breathing fuck trophy that is sucking the life out of you… Well Done!
Now i understand, as The Courteeners excellently put it, “You’re not 19 forever”, but where is it written that after 25 you should just give up and become a total biff? Here’s something that should be banned immediately as well, PROFILE PICS OF YOUR CHILDREN!
“Oh My GOD! It’s Pablo! I used to work with him, I’ll send him a friend request!”
Me on the other end, not recognizing the newly-wed surname or the featured fetus… DENIED!
My Facebook friends list looks like a pre-school classroom collage. Gummy, smiling little shit machines dressed up in flowery dresses or “big people clothes” waving cheerily at the camera whilst mum gushes behind it, like she used to at an East 17 gig. The lengths some people go to on their profiles to alert the world to the news that they successfully mated with another human being is astounding. Why stop at changing your pic to one of your kid? Why not change your name to “Baby-Momma Extraordinaire” and change your hobbies and interests to “Nappies”, “Miniature Clothes” and “Breast Feeding”.
I DO actually have a friend on there who has one picture of her kid on her Facebook. A kind of “yep, this happened…”. It’s not to say she’s not an excellent parent, it’s saying “there’s still some semblance of a personality left in this mortal shell”. I applaud her for it.
Maybe the real problem I have with this is I don’t feel ready to join the ranks of doting parents. Happily content to forgo all of their spare time to making the tiny little fuckers grin for a brief second whilst talking in a ridiculous voice about Tombliboos or whatever the fuck an Upsy Daisy is.
This is mainly why I spend all day on Twitter. I’m seriously contemplating leaving Facebook for good. The only thing keeping me there at the moment are girls holiday photos and amazing pages like this (maybe a little sarcastic there…).
Where to after that? Maybe Google+? It’s amazing how much like MySpace it is already. Mainly how no one’s on there and my last received status was 8 days ago…
So please people, an honest and sensible request. Stop pushing adulthood in my face. I may be clocking on to 3 decades now, but i really don’t need this late 20′s peer group pressure. If I do a baby one day, it’ll be down to an accident, or maybe too much Disaronno. (yes, I know how that sounds, I’ll have a Facebook group in my honour soon calling me a peadophile, something Facebook mums get serious wood about))
Strap it up before you slap it up kids… or face a life of tedium and internet blocks on youporn…
4 Comments
when they encouraged adding family members is where is all went wrong, i’d have happily have told the world about the date i went on the other week only to end up in a trance club in leeds pulling another guy who was not my date, but wasn’t sure if my brothers, cousins and dad would have appreciated it much! lol
ha! i know what you mean. i wrote something about wanting to bum seven shades of hell out of that mother-woman off the BT advert (don’t judge me) and me auntie went mad at me…
Great write up. I view Facebook as a necessary evil having family in Aus who use it. The adds apps and the Facebook fetus do my head in. The voice of reason in all this banality…
Agreed! I don’t want to see scan photos as profile pics, seeing the insides of someone I went to school with just creeps me out and I definitely do not want to know how a child is doing with its potty training. Someone once posted a status about her child needing a circumcision, gross. Not only is that too much information but also, give the child a bit of fucking privacy, please.